As many of you have known by now, I missed my flight back from Bangkok. Besides that and the fact that I was sick prior to the trip, everything about it exceeded my expectations. Being in an unfamiliar place seeing the local people going on about their daily lives reminded me of New York, and looking at the Thais working hard at their rice fields brought back a familiar surreal feeling. I realised that by being detached from the outside world, I find my inner peace, a certain calmness and tranquillity that I find hard to explain.

Anyway, it was Fat Bastard’s wedding, and he is marrying this Thai chick (obviously). Let me just say that in the first place, I was not very keen to go but one supper later (“you can have class any day, but my wedding is once in a f*cking lifetime”), Fat Bastard and Jackass left me with little choice. That is why I was not expecting much from the trip, and that is why I am now thankful my two college pals convinced me to go. Believe it or not, I have been to many places in my life, but this was actually my first trip to Thailand, and now I know why Singaporeans love the place- you can live like a king there. Stuff is seriously dirt-cheap over there, and people are so warm and friendly that I find it hard to believe that these are the very same ones who invaded the airport for a week.

So, Mrs Fat Bastard is from this village three hours from Bangkok, and her family grew up planting rice, the same sh*t we Singaporean see on the table everyday, the same sh*t we Singaporeans take for granted everyday at the table. Anyway, it was a traditional Thai wedding and stuff, so at three in the morning, Fat Bastard had a bus waiting for us outside our hotel in Bangkok to drive us to the village. Let me just say for the record that everything was supremely well planned by Fat Bastard’s usual sloppy standard.

At six in the, we arrived and were basically treated like VIPs by the villagers. One thing about the Thais- their English is f*cking horrible. Well, if their English were better, I would seriously consider marrying a hot Thai girl. In ten years’ time, I mean. Honestly, those village girls are slim, hot and fair- perhaps those hours at the fields helped them retain their slender frames, but as for their fairness of skin, I can only assume they must have applied SPF 100-sunscreen lotion religiously.

Now you can understand why Fat Bastard married who he married. Then again, Singapore is not short of its share of beauties (look only as far as this year’s Miss Singapore Universe), but I guess the main reason Thai chicks appeal to him is because of their simple-mindedness. They do not ask for much in love (and in life), plus they have been through the hard life before so they understand the value of money. They stay at home and do the housework with no complaints, take care of the kids and make delicious Thai dishes. In summary, they have all the qualities to be a good wife and mother to my kids, but for me, marrying them would be too 1978, too boring, too predictable.

Perhaps that is me, but I find myself more inclined to love the materialistic Singaporean girl who loves Coach, iPhone and Facebook. Just kidding. I mean to say that I cannot love a girl who always says yes, who always agree with what I say, who walks behind me (think: my ‘same height on the mountain’ theory). I want my future wife to be someone who challenges what I say, what I think, what I feel (not all the time, and not just for the sake for it). She is one who throws a tantrum when she finds out I am texting my ex- kind of a b*tch behaviour actually, but then we will have a huge fight over it and after that we will kiss and make up and have great sex. She is one whom I do the dishes and mop the floor with together after work on weekday nights and then have great sex. She is one who will lie in bed and share with me her workplace gossips while doing her nails and then have great sex. She is one who holds my hand and walks beside me into the sunset. She is one who does not exist.

Okay, enough about me, I am sure Fat Bastard loves his wife for who she is. Anyway, the monks arrived and there were rituals and stuff while Jackass and I used the toilet to freshen ourselves up- it was certainly an experience brushing your teeth with water from the well in this tiny little hut these Thais call a toilet. I really learn to appreciate my toilet bowl a lot more nowadays. We were served some traditional Thai breakfast amidst weird stares from the villagers around us (I honestly felt like Cristiano Ronaldo). After that, there were more rituals and more uneasy smiles and sign languages exchanged with the locals before it was over and Fat Bastard brought us to this resort in another town to rest and prepare for dinner later.

Dinner was held in the courtyard of the local village school, an open-air sort of affair with at least thirty tables (the whole village was invited). There were like a hundred motorcycles around the compound, and two hundred times more insects, attracted by the bright lights and all. Our group of Singaporeans (about twenty plus of us including his parents and siblings) were certainly overdressed, as the villagers turned up in shorts and slippers like they were going to the rice fields or something. Once again, we were the centre of attention as we were late yet got the best seats in the house.

There was a huge stage at the front complete with Thai singers and dancers in skimpy clothing ala those you see at Thai discos in Singapore. Then the bride and groom were invited on stage to say a few words and I have to say Fat Bastard’s Thai was pretty impressive because he spoke for like thirty minutes, and the whole time my head was screaming ‘subtitles subtitles’. Seeing Fat Bastard on stage, I find it totally unreal that here he is, my friend of so many years, actually tying the knot, and I cannot help but wonder if I would ever have the courage to take such a leap of faith.

Well, the wedding was all over by ten o’clock and we said farewell to the lovebirds before taking the bus back to Bangkok. As for the rest of my time in Bangkok, it was simply arriving at the airport with Jackass the next morning, realising we got our departure times mixed up, me taking my cold medication and a six-hour nap outside Starbucks before we boarded the five o’clock flight out of Thailand.

The whole thing was memorable because if not for Fat Bastard, I would never have got the chance to visit a Thai village or take part in a traditional Thai wedding. Watching those Thais going about their simple day-to-day lives while having a smile on their faces the whole time, it made me realise that there is actually life outside Facebook and Twitter and Blogspot. I take too many things in my life for granted, and I learnt from the trip that those things that matter most to me actually do not cost a cent, and they have been by my side the whole time. So, it was supposed to be only a friend’s wedding, but at the end of it, I felt I gained so much more than that.

Like Jackass love to say: life experiences, those are things money can never buy.