Let’s start with the film which was released the earliest- ‘What Happens in Vegas’.

I have always been a big fan of Aston Kutcher ever since ‘That ‘70s Show’ and ‘Punk’d’. Later on, ‘The Butterfly Effect’, ‘A Lot Like Love’ and ‘The Guardian’ further deepened my affection for him. I mean, come on, that guy is totally funny. The way he goes about degrading the fairer sex, that’s just so damn classy. Anyone who has caught him at his very best against Brittany Murphy in ‘Just Married’ would know what I am talking about. Plus ‘A Lot Like Love’ is the movie I always watch whenever I question myself if I am ever going to find my true love, and that is in no small part due to Mister Demi Moore.

Anyway, since it’s already more than a month old, I bet most of you would have already caught it. The plot’s pretty average, and I have to say I am beginning to hate Cameron Diaz- how the mighty has fallen! She was once the queen of my heart when she swept me away with her cute little cameo in ‘The Mask’. Well, that was more than a decade ago, so naturally, she has been dethroned by younger, hotter blondes- I call that aging (beware ladies). Another reason I hate her was of the role she played opposite Kutcher, and how she reminded me of a particular b*tch that was pissing me off at that point in time.

See, Kutcher plays the lovable, down-to-earth and happy-go-lucky boy-next-door while Diaz’s the high maintenance, egoistic and arrogant corporate b*tch. So, they go about destroying each other’s world after one (wrong) night stand in Las Vegas. Needless to say, the movie has a sweet little ending (not unlike every Hollywood production), although I would have very much preferred Kutcher to stab her in the eye and burn half her face off (like in Eli Roth’s ‘Hostel’). I mean, that’s only way any self-respecting man would treat any demanding, unreasonable and selfish slut. No?

As for ‘Made of Honour’, I would put it under the same category as the above-mentioned film, but with a much, much lower rating. I mean, Patrick Dempsey’s forty-two (FORTY-TWO!) and Michelle Monaghan’s…Who the hell is Michelle Monaghan anyway? Alright, she had a couple of small roles here and there (namely, opposite the short Scientology chap in ‘Mission: Impossible III’ and some God-knows-what role in ‘Gone Baby Gone’), but still, why couldn’t they use Scarlett Johansson or Megan Fox instead? Throw in a shower scene and there you have it- a box office success!

But hell no, they have to use a dried-up and wrinkled forty-year old who plays a doctor in his free time and this girl nobody knows of. Throw in a predictable plot with a couple of implausible twists and some less than remarkable acting, you can easily see why I am not exactly keen to write anything useful on it. And oh, from the movie, the ‘morale of the story’ is that girls are ungrateful and fickle-minded whores- and that’s just about the only good thing from the film.

Now, for our last movie, ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall’, which is going to be released on the last day of July in theatres near you. My advice- GO WATCH IT! It scores 7.8 out of 10 on IMDb. That’s f*cking incredible, because as we all know, romantic comedies NEVER score that high on IMDb. Even freaking ‘Titanic’ only got a 7.2.

Okay, I admit I only watched it at first because of Kirsten Bell (that blonde electrifying babe from ‘Heroes’). But I tell you, she is not the only hot chick in the film- more on that later. It has a wonderful plot, great acting and a superb soundtrack to boot. In short, it has everything a romantic comedy should have (take note, producers of ‘Made of Honour’). As this movie is not yet out, let me tell you more to try and convince you why you should go catch it.

Reason number one- Kirsten Bell in a bikini. Alright guys, I guess that’s reason enough for you. But wait, and then there is Mila Kunis- this hot Ukrainian babe from ‘That ‘70s Show’ (again). Not only is she an amazingly beautiful (I have a thing for brunettes with long, flowing hair), she definitely has more acting skills than Diaz and Monaghan put together.

Enough of the ladies, now for the guys. Jason Segal- who the hell is he? Well, he’s the lead actor, and he’s fat and ugly. But he’s likeable, and has a great voice (he sings in the film). And there is this other guy, this singer from a London rock band played by Russell Brand- he is absolutely hilarious! Even more so than Kutcher, but in a different sort of way. From his accent, to his dress sense, to his strong sexual undertone, I felt he portrayed the typical English rockers image (think: Noel and Liam Gallagher or Pete Doherty) rather well. His jokes are absolute classics, so remember the name- Aldous Snow. This is the official website if you people cannot wait. Lastly, ‘morale of the story’- girls always take guys for granted. Sluts.

Alright, that marks the end of my movie reviews. Go watch all three films and let me know if my conclusions drawn from them are accurate of otherwise.

Now’s the time for movie reviews. It’s been a month since my examinations ended, and I have watched more than a dozen films in that time.

- Iron Man

- 21

- Forgetting Sarah Marshall

- What Happens in Vegas

- Made of Honour

- Superbad

- The Bank Job

- Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

- Kung Fu Panda

- Indiana Jones I, II, III & IV

So, let’s start with my personal favourite from the lot- 21. It will be out in Singapore this week, but I have already caught it on the web a month ago. Well, I am just totally in love with the plot. If you don’t already know, it is roughly based on a book called ‘Bringing Down the House: The Inside Story of Six MIT Students Who Took Vegas for Millions’. I have read the book and watched the film (twice), and since it has yet to be released locally, let me tell you just a bit more.

In short, it is a story about how a teacher from MIT recruited students, trained them to be card-counters and went to Las Vegas to take down the casinos. It stars Jim Sturgess (the guy from ‘Across the Universe’ and ‘The Other Boleyn Girl’), Kevin Spacey (last seen as Lex Luther), Kate Bosworth (aka Lois Lane, an anorexic one at that) and Laurence Fishburne (best known for his role as Morpheus in ‘The Matrix’).

Although there are a few changes from the story (namely the nationality of the main guy of the story) and a few twists added in to spice things up, the plot still remains simply fascinating. I suppose it would appeal more to people my age- schooling and dreaming of tons of money falling from the sky. The whole appeal of the movie is summarised by the lead character- in Boston (his hometown), I am nobody; in Vegas, I can be anyone I want.

I was also captivated by the Mathematics (believe it or not) in the film (namely the Monty Hall problem) and the way they go about counting cards. Officially, counting cards and winning at blackjack is NOT against the law. So, interested parties, you can learn it here from the man himself. So, you guys still have approximately two years to master the techniques required before the local casino is ready to be taken. But first, do yourself a favour- go watch the movie, 21- winner, winner, chicken dinner!

Now, for a couple of older movies, but good enough to worth a mention. Hands up anyone who watched the film ‘Superbad’ (released here last October). Not many I supposed, but I tell you, the three ‘kids’ in the film are absolutely hilarious. It is more of a guy’s film and revolves around a simple plot of three underage boys trying to purchase some alcohol to impress their girls at a party. Remember the name- McLovin.

As for the other comedy on the list, Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay, it is pretty plain compared to its predecessor. But still, there are a couple of great scenes involving Karl Penn and John Cho, and oh, Paula Garcés simply took my breath away whenever she appeared on screen. She even made me forget about Miss Y for the duration of the film- impressive enough. But well, three words just come to mind whenever I think of this film- cock meat sandwich.

Now, that’s about it for the first part of my movie reviews. Next up will be reviews for the three romantic comedies.

Before I start on some random updates on myself, let me just say a big happy birthday to Ben the Man (formerly known as Benitez on this blog). His 24^th birthday- same age as his idol Dirk Kuyt. No, I’m kidding- Dirk Kuyt’s something like twenty-eight, but still a feature of Ben the Man’s wet dreams nonetheless. Anyway, I don’t usually do birthday shout-outs on me blog, but well, I take exception for nice people who remember my birthday. I have been thinking about getting Ben the Man a present, perhaps a Manchester United jersey from the neighbourhood pasar malam or something. But knowing him (a huge Kop fan, he’s famous for almost punching me in the face when I told me my lifelong dream was to go to Anfield and pee on the Bill Shankly statue), he would most probably burn the jersey of the European Champions and post a video of it on YouTube, in the process becoming a victim of countless death-threats from billions of Red Devils fans all over the world. Hence, being a good friend that I am, I shall save him all the trouble. So, happy birthday, Ben, and bow before the English and European Champions!

So, let’s stay on the topic of football, shall we? Well, bad news so far on my quest to learn Spanish- it’s kind of hard to find time when you sleep after five every morning and wake up only to find people already knocking off from work. That’s what the European Championship does to one’s sleeping habits. As a fan of the imperious Liechtenstein who just missed out on qualifying for the tournament by a mile, I am watching Euro 2008 as some sort of a neutral. Therefore, I support any team which play good football, thus explaining my initial affection for the Greeks.

My current favourite team has to be the Russians, two words- Andrei Arshavin. One hell of a last name, one hell of a player. He can surely fill the boots of Ronaldo at the greatest club in the world. Yes, I am resigned to the fact that our number 7 will be donning the white of the Galaticos in the not-too-distant future. Like what Nelly Furtado says, all good things must come to an end. Well, I just want to say a big thank you to Cristiano- it’s been fun while it lasted. Players move on, but Manchester Untied remains.

So, in the past month or so, I have found time to meet up with tons of people, from the Lakiunians to my primary school mates to strangers on the dance floor of Zouk. I met my brothers from Brunei in town, where I ran into a gay at the toilet of Robinson’s- it’s a long story, and no, I wasn’t wearing pink and tight jeans. Sometimes I wonder why I only attract the attention of the same sex, though I must admit Singaporean gays definitely have excellent taste. But seriously, I’m straight, and the only close physical contact I have with males is on the soccer court every week when I am either doing a nose job for them using my elbow or trying my hardest to show them the Singaporean version of Joey Barton.

JJ stayed over at my place last week, and we had a long chat (more like him asking questions and me answering them) before we went out to catch the match between the Portuguese and the German, where we ran into Shrek- f*cking small world. I also found time to go over to my cousins’ place and bring them out for a swim, and I attended a couple of family gatherings and visited my Grandma a few times too. As for this week, I have been busy meeting up with MM planning for his ‘Operation Potter’. We made trips to Ikea, Sentosa, the Fountain of Wealth, Singapore Flyer and Esplanade to plan for his big thing. Well, going over to his place and watching him fold stars in the name of love, I cannot help but wonder when it will be my turn to do something for a girl. In about 256 years, I reckon. Unless Miss Y decides to return my 256 missed calls sooner rather than later.

I went to JB thrice the past month, and all three times to keep different group of friends company. Well, one shop I never fail to visit each time I’m at City Square is the Levi’s shop- the salesgirls there are honestly the best of the lot. At least that’s what Ayu tells me. Speaking of which, I have stayed over at his place a couple of times to watch soccer and have some heart-to-heart chat. Him and Jose are celebrating their first anniversary soon- time F*CKING flies, I tell you. And I salute Jose for being one hell of a woman to be able to put up with his sh*t for a year. Respect.

Add that to the time I spend doing routine stuff like surfing the net, blogging, reading the papers, giving tuition, playing soccer, working out, eat sleep sh*t, you can now understand why I simply cannot find the time to learn my Spanish. But I will. Soon. I hope.

Hasta luego, querida Miss Y.

I know I am cold-blooded. People who know me should know what I mean, and girls who have experienced it first hand should have a pretty lasting impression of that as well. I mean, I am not cold-blooded per se, but more like, I behave like a laptop- once I choose to delete you from my life, that’s it. You wouldn’t even command a place in my recycle bin.

But that’s just me. There are certain things/people I can accept, and certain things/people I simply cannot bring myself to put up with. I mean, I don’t hate that particular person or anything, it’s just that when I decide enough’s enough, I will just walk away and shut that person out completely from my life. I am stubborn in this way, and I don’t believe in changing myself just to suit your ways, not even when you are my girlfriend (a few of you can attest to that).

Case in point- my dad. As you all know, I have been having this cold war with me daddy for like a good couple of months, and I assure you, this will carry on to the end of time if I let it. See, me and my dad, we are vastly different personalities- TOTALLY. I shan’t stir his sh*t here- let’s just say there are certain things about him that I have endured long enough and I have chosen to give up enduring. See, last Sunday was Father’s Day, and I was on my way out to meet up with Les and company to do some Joey Barton damage when I ran into him in the lift.

I stared at a cigarette butt on the floor and the thirty odd seconds seemed like an eternity. Well, it’s not like I am an unfilial son or anything- you all know the four words on my back. And I know what you guys always advise me- I have only one dad, be nice to him while I still have the opportunity and all. But seriously, f*ck that. I feel that since he has always been this way all his life, it’s about time he mend his ways. I am not the only one who has to tolerate his sh*t, and I believe he needs someone to wake him up and let him see what’s wrong with him. And who better to do that than his very own son? Perhaps ‘losing’ me will make him realise what a prick he really has been all along, but then again, it’s been two months, and it still doesn’t seem to be working.

I always believe you should always treasure people who are good to you- that is why I am always there for my friends (the real ones). That is why I am even more upset when people I am nice to treat me like a pile of dirt. So, when the day comes, I will walk, run even, and I NEVER look back. That is me- making you b*tches regret losing me is my expertise. I don’t believe in hating someone- it gets kind of exhausting after some time. I can forgive, but I never forget. Once you show me what sort of person you truly are, rest assure I will remember it till the day I develop Alzheimer’s disease.

Well, I suppose you have always existed fine without me, and vice versa, and hence our lives will carry on fine without each other. But deep down, I know I meant something to you, as I was the one being sincere and nice and everything, putting up with all your sh*t. So, I know that there will definitely be times when you miss me and need me, and you bet I will be smiling in my dream.

Like what Ronaldo said- the train passes by only once. It’s too little too late now, b*tch, so please, get a life.

Once again, my ex, Sumiko Tan, has given me inspiration to start on another entry. This time, the subject is the pursuit of happiness. To begin with, these are her five big theories on happiness.

1)      When a dream comes true, you don’t always get the happiness you thought would come with it.

2)    Happiness is not something you can feel every moment of the day.

3)    Happiness comes in small doses, so just be grateful for that.

4)   It’s pointless to wish for a Big Happiness because it won’t happen.

5)    Perhaps happiness is overrated.

Is it me, or is Sumiko one sad, lonely lady? Her articles in the Sunday Times are forever so depressing and full of sorrow. I can feel your pain, Sumi- I really didn’t mean to hurt you.

Like most people, everything I do, everything I hope for and everything I regret, hinges on the pursuit of personal happiness.

But seriously, I like her ‘emo-ness’- this way, she is the perfect muse for me. She is right- every breathe we take, we take it to strive for our own little happiness. For instance, I feel happy blogging, that is why I blog. And yes, happiness is kind of glorified. Twenty-four hours a day, how many hours (or minutes even) can we say we are truly happy?

I so yearn to be happy and I so want to be happier. The irony is that this hunger and search for happiness is perhaps the reason I often find myself unhappy.

She didn’t really elaborate on this point, but something tells me she is talking about a certain hurtful ex. Personally, I don’t have much of a problem finding happiness- they are usually located on the dance floor of Phuture any Wednesday night.

The problem with happiness is this- it doesn’t last, and it is subjected to the law of diminishing returns, that is, to attain something you wish for does make you happy, but only up to a point, beyond that, more and more of that thing adds less and less to your happiness.

Spot on, Sumi. Like those the photographs I have of you on my laptop, every time I look at them, the first few never fails to turn me on. After that, well, it just gets kind of dull, you know what I mean.

Still, one could argue that happiness would be meaningless if you felt happy all the time. How can you understand happiness unless you have lived through unhappiness and can compare the two?

Frankly, I am one who is easily pleased, and not many things in life can get me down. Although I am an eternal pessimist, I lead my life more happy-go-lucky than anything else. You can say I am a ‘positive pessimist’. Simple things like hanging out with my friends, or a game of soccer, or just merely blogging will put me in a good mood. Well, another point to note is I am not one who gets upset easily- I may sound upset when I talk about a certain b*tch, slut or whore, but that’s just to put across to you my opinion on that particular b*tch, slut or whore. Well, my motto in life is not to let insignificant people affect me significantly- they really don’t deserve me spending my time being upset about them.

It is hard to be happy when you are stuck in the past of the future. The trick perhaps is to learn to live for the moment and appreciate what you have. It is hard to be happy when you chase after happiness, forgetting that, hey, it could be well right there, staring at you.

Are you reading this, Miss Y? It’s about time you dump doughnut boy and find the happiness that is staring right at you every single lecture- you know the number.

Cristiano Ronaldo voted Mr. Handsome at Euro 2008

10 June 2008 2049 hrs

VIENNA - Portuguese star Cristiano Ronaldo is the hottest player at this year's European football championship and not just because of his dribbling skills, according to a Europe-wide women's survey.

The Manchester United striker was voted most beautiful player of the tournament, in a poll of 12,000 women carried out by electronics company LG.

French forward Thierry Henry came in second, ahead of injured Italian skipper Fabio Cannavaro and Freddie Ljungberg of Sweden who drew for third place.

Talent and his Latin good looks won Ronaldo the title, according to the survey.

His biggest fans were apparently Italian, German and Swedish women. - AFP/vm

Checklist of things to do:

*learn Spanish

*watch DVDs / movies

*train to the next Hulk Hogan

*get drunk

*watch Euro 2008/ Roland Garros / NBA Finals

*improve the education of two young kids

*online shopping
*practise my Joey Barton impersonation

*read read read

*reducing my carbon footprint

Okay, during my holidays, my typical day goes something like this. I will wake up early to catch the NBA Finals. On days without any basketball telecast, I will wake up a little later, but I be using my morning to learn Spanish- no sh*t. I spent something like seventy bucks on this CD-book set at Kinokuniya a couple of years back and I never got past the second chapter due to my exceptionally short attention span. But I resolve to finish it by the end of summer. Watch this space- I will be blogging in Español in no time.

After lunch, I will catch up on my daily reading- the Straits Times (both in print and online), Channel News Asia, followed by some soccer news and celebrity gossip. Then I spend a good hour or two training to be the next Hulk Hogan (by the way, I am expanding my collection of free weights at the end of June with the two hundred dollars PAP is going to donate to me). I will try to catch a nap late evening before dinner. After which I will spend time hanging out with friends whom I have neglected for the past few months. Either that or I will be busy educating my two tuition boys (K-Fad and Long-S).

I will complete my day with some action from EURO 2008 or Roland Garros. That is just a normal day. You can also insert variables like getting drunk with some wicked women, late night soccer with my mates, blogging about my interesting life or watching my vast collection of DVDs and the countless number of movies I have missed out on the past two months.

From my past few entries, you should be able to tell that I have been reading tons of Reader’s Digest, Times, National Geographic and other sh*t publications. Hence, I am greatly influenced by this ‘Green Movement’ currently going on. Like I have said, there is only one Earth and every small effort adds up. You people not giving a sh*t doesn’t mean I should do the same. So reducing my carbon footprint is very much a part of my everyday life.

And did I tell you I have become an online shopper lately? And did I tell you that Miss Y is an avid online shopper too? You get the picture.

And oh, for your information, I spend at least eight hours every night with Miss Y too- eat that.

Well, well, well, my examinations are finally over. Actually, it has been a good two weeks since it was over. I mean, there are certain things more important to do than just blog right? Certain things to do, certain places to go, certain people to accompany. So yeah, here I am, finally finding the time to keep you, my online readers, company.

So, let’s start with my examinations, shall we? Frankly, I’m f*cked (what’s new?). Miss Y sitting beside me kind of played a pivotal role, but mainly, it’s just me. Me being lazy during school term, and then rushing to ‘hug the Buddha’s leg’ during the examinations period. Knowing me, I’m not one who likes to place my hopes on someone else’s leg, but fingers crossed, I would not have to repeat any modules next semester. I know the Sterling have depreciated a little, but still, it’s the Sterling. Anyway, it will be another three months before our dear Miss Y can try to electrify my eyes, so yeah, I’m going to miss her. A lot (picture: wiping away tears from my eyes).

You know, during the examinations, when you are trying to write a thousand-word essay, and you are sort of having a massive brain-f*ck, you tend to look around for inspiration (read: divine intervention from the One above). So, there was this attractive invigilator who totally gave me THE inspiration, I mean, totally caught my eye- you know, tall, long flowing hair, hostile face. Yeah, that’s my type. Well, that’s another story for another day, my friend. Given my not-so-remarkable attention span, you should know there’s always another girl, there’s always another story, there’s always another day.

So, you see, in the morning of the examinations, I took the train to Expo, and honestly, it made me dread going to work after I graduate. I mean, every single morning, I have to squeeze and stand for a good hour and endure body odour from countless who forgot to bath just to go and sit in a cubicle for eight hours- that got to suck. Then again, the office ladies were really a sight to behold. I mean, picture them, all of thirty, dressed sharply in their office wear and heels, reading the Business Times, damn, I was totally enchanted. It’s not so much their dress sense, but the confidence they emit that totally suck me in. I have never said this, but I really do prefer older women- more emotionally stable, more sure of themselves, less prone to unpredictable bouts of mood swing and so much more independent. I like a woman with brains, a woman who knows how to hold her sh*t together, instead of one who comes running and crying to you at the first sign of obstacle. So, get a pen and paper and jot that down, ladies- crying b*tches is such a turn-off.

Lastly, some soccer updates- there are good news and there are bad news. For the former, we won the EPL and CL- well, that’s the least I expected. We are Manchester United- we are expected to win things every single season. As for the latter, Ronaldo’s going to Real Madrid. I got to start finding a new hero to worship and blog about- how about a certain Ji-Sung Park for starters? But honestly, for Ronaldo, I expect Casilles, Ramos, Robinho and a truckload of cash in return. That’s just me. But whatever happens, life still goes on and Manchester United lives on. Be Champions!

And over the past two weeks, I learnt something new. I learnt that Aquarius and Cancer can never be really good friends-  sh*t you not. Before that, I already knew that Aquarius and Cancer don’t make good siblings (yeah, I speak from experience again), so, well, this is just another addition to the list. So, do Aquarius and Cancer make a good couple? Well, I can only wait and see- Miss Y is a Cancer after all. What a coincidence.

Anyway, you know about the nine o’clock show on channel eight (the one starring Chris Lee). It’s the first local production to capture my imagination in the last decade (I stopped watching the sh*tty dramas serial after primary school). I totally dig the song from the show (it was briefly on my blog), but what I really like about the show is because it explores the theme of time travelling. Ever since Doctor Brown and Marty McFly from Back To The Future, I have always been a huge fan. The Butterfly Effect and Hiro Nakamura only added to the immense appeal. So, in this channel eight serial, Chris Lee plays a character who travels through time (twice) to try to change the past and in the end, he realises that no matter what you change, you can never create the perfect world. Not unlike the Chao Theory- it has been said that something as small as the flutter of a butterfly’s wing can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway around the world. In other words, sh*t ALWAYS happen.

You know what’s the first thing I would do if I could travel through time? I would stop myself from falling in love.

Ever.