Jessica Alba recalls in "If I'd Known Then," Ellyn Spragins' upcoming book of essays by female celebrities:

“Boys are awful. They are made of nothing but hormones until they're about 20 or 21...It's fun to have a crush, but don't think it's forever...And use birth control and condoms, please."

Well, if only Britney was half as smart as her. And sorry, Jess, for your information, boys are nothing but hormones until the day they die. The sole motivation of us waking up every morning is the thought of us humping our next girl. No sh*t.

“Every time I get another tattoo, it’s like a little

F-you to anyone who told me not to.” -Megan Fox

My exact sentiments, Megan honey.

'The mysterious G spot - supposedly a route to female sexual satisfaction - can be located with ultrasound, claim Italian scientists. Some women say stimulating a certain part of the vagina triggers powerful orgasms, but medics have not been able to pin down the exact location. Researchers told New Scientist magazine they found an area of thicker tissue among the women reporting orgasms' - The BBC Website.

*According to the website www.absolutemed.com, an ultrasound machine will set you back around £50,000, which works out to be around three times that in Singapore dollars. So, what are you waiting for, boys? I say it’s time to start saving up for your very own ultrasound machine.

As you all know by now, Edison the man was back in Hong Kong a couple of days ago and belatedly held his press conference. Frankly, I have never seen remorse from a player before, so, his press conference has got to be an eye-opener for me. Below are some of his statements:

"I admit that most of the photos being circulated on the internet were taken by me.”

Okay, EDC, the world already knows who the talented cameraman was. Tell me something I don’t know, my man.

"But these photos were very private and have not been shown to people and were never intended to be shown to anyone.”

Alright, less than two minutes on the clock and he was already trying to make me laugh. Sh*t me not, Ed, but honestly, what are those photos meant for if not as proof of your countless sexual conquests to your best pals? Okay, I shall let you carry on to see what more sh*t you have to say.

"These photos were stolen from me illegally and distributed without my consent."

“This matter has deteriorated to the extent society as a whole has been affected by these. And in this regard, I am deeply saddened.”

Damn, you’re spot on, Ed. Society got to see how small your dick is and how gorgeous Cecilia et al looked. Plus the sales of Sony SLR cameras went through the f*cking roof- you are a walking billboard, in case you haven’t already notice.

"I would like to apologize to all the ladies and to all their families for any harm or hurt that they have been feeling. I'm sorry.”

Which ladies are you talking about here? Nicholas Tse’s lady, any chance?

“I would like to also apologise to my mother and my father for the pain and the suffering I have caused them these past few weeks.”

I am starting to hear a certain song by One Republic entitled 'apologise' in my head.

"Most importantly, I would like to say sorry to all the people in Hong Kong. I give my apologies sincerely to you all, unreservedly and with my heart.”

"I know young people in Hong Kong look up to many figures in our society. And, in this regard, I have failed as a role model."

The online porn industry in Hong Kong will never be the same again- they almost went bankrupt thanks to a deadly combination of your laptop and a generous guy called ‘Kira’.

"During my time away, I've made an important decision. I will wholeheartedly fulfil all commitments that I have to date. But, after that, I’ve decided to step away from the Hong Kong entertainment industry. I've decided to do this to give myself an opportunity to heal myself and to search my soul. I will dedicate my time to charity and community work in the next few months."

I tried to control myself, but Eidson seriously got me at ‘charity’. Give me a f*cking break, charity and community work? You have done enough for us guys already by fulfilling our wildest wet dreams, and now you want to talk about charity? How about planting a couple hundred trees somewhere in Africa or something? You have any idea how many trees were cut down in order to produce the boxes of tissue paper sold by Kleenex and snapped up by us guys to clean up the mess your photos caused? Come on, Ed, charity my hairy ass.

"I will be away from Hong Kong entertainment indefinitely. There is no time frame."

Your name’s already engraved in the history books of the Hong Kong Entertainment industry, with or without any time frames.

"I have been assisting the police since the first day the photos were published, and I will continue to assist them. After this press con, I have obligations to help them with their investigation and hope that this case can end soon, as everything, I think, has the same wish."

Which makes me wonder how I would personally feel sitting at a police, station surrounded by tons of men in uniform, going through photos of a girl giving me a blowjob on my tiny dick. Plus the fact that the girl’s in a police uniform herself has just got to be the cherry on the cake (no puns intended).

"I hope you all will accept my apology and give me a chance."

There are people in this world who don’t deserve a second chance- Osama bin Laden, Dirk Kuyt and Edison Chen.

The good news- the swimming complex at Choa Chu Kang closes at nine; the bad news- it’s closed every Monday. So, MM and I spent a good fifty minutes chatting on the bus, which is kind of weird, as usually I will be in his car or he will be in mine. If my memory serves me right, it is the first time in my life I have ever taken a public transport together with MM, and we have know each other since primary two. Funny, isn’t it? And speaking of which, I have been listening to Backstreet Boys all week, and I find their songs utter horse sh*t (you are my fire, the one desire, believe when I say, I want it that way). I feel pretty dumb (almost as dump as a Liverpool fan) to have fallen for the pop craze back then, and was brainwashed into buying every single one of their crap albums. Then again, listening to those songs do bring back memories- I guess it’s not the lyrics or the melody that matters, but the scenario/relationship /b*tch attached to the song that makes it all nostalgic.

Okay, so, I’m back here to carry on from where I left off twenty-four hours ago. By now, you should have seen the Old Trafford pictures and video I uploaded last night. Watching the minute of silence as the players stood solemnly in the centre of the pitch simply gave me goose bumps, no sh*t. I mean, I wasn’t even born yet when the twenty-three souls perished in 1958, but somehow, I felt for them. Maybe because I am a Manchester United fan, I don’t know. Maybe I am the incarnation of Duncan Edwards, who knows? Well, I was suppose to watch the match at Breko with the guys, but due to some family commitment (I shall come to that later), I gave the match a miss. Which turned out to be a great idea, as we never rose to the occasion and let it got the better of us; and as a very objective and impartial Manchester United fan, I put my hand up and say Citeh were the better side with an outstanding tactical plan, and we thoroughly deserved the result. A part of me is beginning to feel Arsenal are going to be Champions come May, and the thought of Les and my other few Arsenal fans gloating in my face frankly gives me sleepless nights. So, please, Cristiano, would you be kind enough to do something about it and cure me of my insomnia?

So, yes, I was at Sentosa with my family on Sunday evening. I was somehow dragged along, we walked around a bit and my two sisters absolutely cam-whored the digital camera to sh*t. Anyway, I only posted two of the millions of photos in my other entry, in order to show my brothers I was really at Sentosa and not “giving them aeroplanes”. I got home, cried my hearts out watching the highlights of the match we lost to our cross-town rivals and headed to Ayu’s house to catch the mighty Chelski take on the this-is-our-season Liverpool. And it turned out to be the biggest mistake of the year by a mile. I mean, with at least twenty internationals altogether, and both sides struggled to produce better football than say, Wigan Athletic against Derby County. Ayu is a big, big Liverpool fan, and he yawned a total of more than five times in the second half alone, and that pretty much sums it all up for you, doesn’t it? I had more fun watching paint dry, but I did notice something- as long as Dirk Kuyt wears the shirt of Liverpool, they will never ever win anything. He is a bloody joke, a total waste of time and a complete c*nt. Period.

It’s the Chinese New Year week, so yes, there’s the usual house visiting. I mean, I am totally fine with the traditions and all, but I just hate people poking their noses in my sh*t. Frankly, my uncles and aunties live for the one day a year where they will get to pick on me and watch me react in silence (out of respect to my parents, and my parents alone) to the smudge on their faces. They love talking about my hair, and for f*ck’s sake, I already had it shorten to the extent that I now look like f*cking Ella from S.H.E, so tell me what more do you want? And what does it have anything to do with you if I have tattoos? Give me a f*cking break, will you? Don’t you get tired asking the same questions every year? Honestly, I prefer talking to my cousins, at least we are “on par” seniority-wise, and hence, they don’t dare to stir my sh*t and ask dumbass questions. But then again, it’s just like passing time, talking about superficial stuff and all, eating those unhealthy stuff and drinking green tea. Plus I noticed something- I have five cousins who are still unmarried (aged 32, 34 35, 35, 37). It’s in the bloodline to marry late, I suppose. When my Grandma gave me my red packet this year, she said she would only give for a maximum of another five years. In other words, she wants me to walk down the bloody isle before I turn twenty-nine. Ha, I almost wanted to say, “Your grandson’s a player, Ah Ma”, but I chose a more appropriate smile followed by an Edison-like wink. I mean, come on, I love women too much to be married to one woman, plus Edison’s my new God.

Anyway, I went back to South View Primary School with Honey on New Year’s Eve morning. We were kind of late, and Mrs Wong (C B) has already left, while Miss Jiang was on extended medical leave (I wanted to get her number, but all the school offered was her email- it’s called red tape). But visiting the school and seeing the classrooms we spent hours sitting in, God, it was nostalgic, I have to say. The school has changed so much, Honey has changed so much, I have changed so much. I saw the garden, and it seems like only yesterday I was there running around in it with my friends. I suppose I have a pretty good memory, plus I am one who likes to revisit the past every now and then- it’s what we have been through in the past that makes us who we are today, no? My primary school days had to be the most enjoyable period of my life, because to me, ignorance is simply bliss. You know nothing about love, you know nothing about money, you know nothing about everything. Well, that said, we all can only have one childhood. Those were the days…

I spent Friday house visiting with Ong Bak, Les, XP, GW and Benitez. It was the first for me, seeing their homes, tasting five different types of Bak Gwa and engaging in some ‘Casino Royale’ action ala James Bond. Well, of the six of us, only Ong Bak and Benitez are attached (Les is also attached, but he changes his ‘attachment’ every other week, so he’s not taken into consideration here), so I was pretty surprised when I saw their bedrooms and there were like these photos of them with their respective girls. It’s kind of sweet, but it made me wonder why I never had one myself in the first place. I mean I had four ex-girlfriends, but not even one has their pretty faces graced my walls before. I suppose it is a bit tiresome- when you are together, you spend so much time with her and seeing her face, and if at home the only thing you see is her face, it seems to be kind of too much. But, that’s just me- I only have photographs of my friends in my room. Maybe it’s time I print THAT picture of Cecilia and put it on my wall. I bet Nicholas will be so pissed. Ha.

Okay, it’s now time for the movie reviews- I watched a total of eight films this past ten days (yeah, eight!). Well, first things first, I watched Stardust (for the second time) with my sisters. It’s the first time I used my dad’s DVD player and LCD television to watch a DVD (amazing, isn’t it?), and I tell you, the effects are definitely ten times better than on my laptop. Anyway, Stardust is simply THE movie for couples this coming Valentine’s Day. There is good humour, impressive CGI, a wonderful cast and quite a brilliant plot. Plus there is the gorgeous Claire Danes, whom I first fell in love with a good ten years ago in Romeo + Juliet. Speaking of love, allow me to sidetrack a little here. If you are aware that my blog is a reflection of my thoughts, then you should have guessed it by now- Miss Y is no longer on my mind these days. So, I am finally free from her and I can peacefully spend 14^th February alone at home watching sad love movies on my laptop with some pasta I make myself. Of course, there is another girl (there is always another girl), but then again, it’s pretty much just touch and go at the moment. And I know myself well enough- it’s not her that is the problem. It’s just me.

Alright, back to the movie reviews. I caught CJ7 on the laptop via web streaming and I have to say it’s a wonderful little movie. It reminds me of Steven Spielberg’s E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial, and I guess that is the greatest compliment I can give. The only shortcoming is that it is short (pardon the pun) - at only eighty minutes long, it is shorter than the duration of time I spent (at Ayu’s place) watching Dirk Kuyt trying his best to impersonate a golden retriever. Then again, it’s not the quantity, but quality, that matters; and speaking of quality, there is this hot lady (Kitty Zhang Yuqi, whoever the hell she is) with beautiful legs to spare in a tight, tight, tight qi pao. Good God, she looked delicious, but she is nothing than a ‘beautiful vase’ element in the film. Well, I can only look forward to her starring opposite the angelic Edison Chen in the new Stephen Fung film Jump. Opps, I forgot they have dropped poor Edison from the film because of some photographs the innocent lad took a few years back. Life is just unfair, isn’t it, Ed? Well, I call this karma. More specifically, the beginning of your karma, so you better start getting used to the word, my friend. Meantime, be afraid, be very afraid.

Next up, the local production Ah Long Pte Ltd (note: I was dragged along for the ‘family movie outing’). Well, I hate to dish local productions, but I have to say I have seen better films from Jack Neo. Plus I have never been the biggest fan of Fann Wong, and comparing her with Claire and Kitty is like comparing Kuyt with Ronaldo and Torres, so you get the picture. Anyway, it’s two hours of one lame joke after another, and frankly, me and my guy friends can come up with better jokes than whatever horse sh*t they tried to made the audience laugh at. Plus the one thing I dreaded most happened again- watching locally produced films in heartland cinemas with typical Singaporean uncles and aunties. The same thing happened when I caught 881 with my family- a smartass couple gave me a live commentary of what they think is going to happen (in Hokkien) throughout the duration of the whole movie. I mean, come on, this is a bloody Jack Neo film, it’s not The Infernal Affairs or Lord of the Rings, for crying out loud- we all know there will be zero twists, we are out here to have a laugh or two, and I definitely know what is going to happen with the dumbass plot. You don’t have to tell the whole world who is saying what- it’s not a football match, for f*ck’s sake. Get a life already.

Then I caught the musical Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, starring the adorable Johnny Depp. I have never been a big fan of such films, and the best I have seen so far has to be Moulin Rouge (the Nicole ‘Satine the Courtesan’ Kidman and the OST ‘Come What May’ factors), with Across the Universe (The Beatles and the JT factors) coming a close second. But Sweeney Todd is no musical about love- it is much darker and bloodier, and it illustrates one man’s quest to seek revenge. Plus there is always Johnny Depp to make things enjoyable. The next film I wish to talk about is Juno, coming to our theatres this Thursday. It is a very interesting film that tells the story of how a sixteen-year-old became pregnant and how she, the boy and their families dealt with it. I bet if it ever were to happen to Edison’s girlfriend when she was sixteen, there would be no story to tell- he would simply drive her to the nearest abortion clinic in his BMW 725i and that would be the end of it. Anyway, Juno is a light-hearted comedy, with the girl in question doing the narrating, and I strongly recommend it to all my friends who are currently attached and engaging in pre-martial sex (I know who you are). Oh, and not to forget my other friends who are not attached but still engaging in casual sex nonetheless (you know who you are).

Well, that would be all. I know today’s entry has been longer than usual, but it’s not my fault- blame it on Edison.

So, I finally found the time to pen down my thoughts. It has been a pretty interesting week, with Chinese New Year, the c*nt who has been screwing my life and everything. Speaking of which, I just wish to say that I am sorry for my language (and my language alone) in my last entry. Even though it wasn’t done in the best of mood, I felt that particular entry totally expressed my feelings, and there is absolutely nothing I would like to take back from it. I spoke with HL about it, and she offered me a wonderful piece of advice- my blog is simply not for sensitive c*nts. Like I’ve said, this is my blog and I stand by what I say. If my words are not to your liking, you can always click the tiny, little box with an “X” on it at the top right corner of your window. So, be my guest.

Anyway, my blog has now been once again made public, as being a kind Netizen, I do not wish to deprive the general public of some very informative knowledge which they can gather from reading my fantastic blog. And ‘informative knowledge of the week’ has got to be the state of the Edison photograph scandal. I mean, it’s not like it’s something totally new, as we have all witnessed the Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson affairs before, but this has got to be first time it has involved Asian artistes, and Asians being Asians, we are all a little more conservative and traditional, hence all the fuss. To his credit, Edison Chen has come out and made a public apology, a statement or whatever you call it; but frankly, he looked like he was awoken in the middle of his sleep by his representatives to read out loud whatever was written on a sorry piece of paper in order to express his remorse and all. If he actually meant every single word he said on the video, well, then one, he obviously did a very good job of hiding his emotions; two, he deserves a Golden Horse for that two-minute performance alone; and three, Cecilia should also win the best actress award her performances. Don’t you all agree with me?

Come on, please don’t feel sorry for those ladies. I mean, they actually believed that whatever they did with Edison was all in the name of love? That Edison is a cute little angel from heaven who would never hurt (read: play) a fly? That Edison would actually keep all those wonderful pieces of art in his laptop and take them with him to his grave? Give me a f*cking break, ladies. Well, that said, Edison is pretty dumb too- if I were him, I would buy ten of the most expensive and reliable encrypted hard disk there is on the market and back up those precious photos ten times. If my laptop happens to be spoilt, I would simply use the biggest sledge hammer there is in Hong Kong and smash it into a million pieces, before pouring a gallon of gasoline on whatever’s left and burning the sh*t out of it. Then again, that’s only me- I highly doubt Edison hasn’t thought of my idea before, which makes me wonder perhaps, just perhaps, he actually did not give a sh*t about those photographs being leaked to the general public, did he? Anyone disagree me on that?

All in all, here is what I want to say to all the parties involved. Two words for the suicidal actresses who are increasing the sales of Kleenex tissue worldwide- Paris Hilton. Three words for ‘Kira’ who showed a part of Cecilia we never knew before- thank you. Four words for Edison Chen who is apparently better at taking photographs than acting- you are my idol. And lastly five words (and I suppose I am speaking for all of the male heterosexual population in the world), on the news of Elva, Jolin and Maggie Q to follow- I cannot believe my luck. And oh, not to forgot the diligent Hong Kong police, who spent days without sleep pouring through the works of Edison in order to determine whether it was really Cecilia’s female reproductive organ they are seeing- one look and all of two seconds later, I already had it figured out. And I didn’t ever need a magnifying glass, for crying out loud. Anyone agree with me?

Okay, so much for Edison, I guess you all have already read and seen more than me the innocent angel over here. Let’s move on to Prison Break- there are only three more episodes left before the producers run out of scripts, and there is nothing we can do about it except to suck it all in. Anyway, I just want to point out that the “Chicken Foot” thing going on in SONA is quite a brilliant idea- I mean, if it was implemented in the English Premier League, I am sure it would stop all the nonsense going on, and hammer into those spoilt brats’ thick skulls that it is nothing more than a simple game of football. Mothers need not be insulted, and legs need not be broken over ninety minutes of chasing a stupid ball. Who’s with me on this one?

Anyway, I’m going out for a swim (yes, your eyes are not deceiving you, a swim) now with MM, and I shall continue blogging about my Chinese New Year and the sh* that comes with it later on tonight. Later, people.