Getting to know a new group of friends is like buying a new cell phone. At first, it is filled with wonder and intrigue, but as time goes by, it starts to lag, applications gets boring, functions become redundant. Familiarity breeds contempt- I know it is the most cliché of all clichés, but I am sure you guys know what I am talking about. Plus, this time round, it is such a big group of friends, each with their own limitations and agendas, things can get real messy at times, or rather, most of the time. I choose my friends, my friends choose me. Whether they are friends with me because of my dad’s car or my camera, only time will tell.

Rule number one to being my friend- I must feel comfortable being with you. In order words, I can be myself when I am with you, both the card-carrying cynic of love and the dreamer who emo-s and cries himself to sleep reminiscing about the one that got away. Yes, I admit I can be kind of bipolar at times, but it is not like I am deluded or paedophilic, am I now? Rule number two- sincerity and honesty. Sweet words and fake compliments have no effect on me- I am not one of those weak motherf*ckers who bend with the wind and live on others’ word of approval and endorsement. I am Tan GuangHui- I know who I am and what I want, so just speak your mind and do not patronise me.

To all my (old) friends out there- you are never forgotten. I may have different priorities now, but I am still me, still always here, still just a phone call away. And I know many of you are silently reading my blog, zero comments whatsoever, but when I run into one of you guys on the street you go “so, how’s things with Miss Y?”. It has come to my understanding that a lot of people I do not expect to be reading my blog are reading my blog, so I got to watch what I say more often now, lest my words get misinterpreted and unintentionally hurt a few egos. Well, even my two sisters read my blog these days, and they related to my mum about the adventures I had in New York, getting her all excited about being a grandmother and sh*t. So, dear sisters, (I know you sluts are reading this), please read and keep your mouths shut, if not somebody’s favourite teddy bear is going to be dick-rubbed by yours truly tonight.

Well, I was saying things can get messy, and guess what? It already has. So, my crush on Red Panties is officially over, no hearts were broken, I shed a few tears, masturbated to some Megan Fox’s photos and life goes on. I still see her (Red Panties, not Megan Fox) everyday in the library, but when I look at her, I feel nothing, I see nothing, save for all the gossips and rumours that threatened to derail my friendship with CB, which I can gladly do without. I mean at first, I thought it would be all fun and stuff blogging and Facebooking about this girl I study with, letting her be my muse, creating wild fantasies for my male friends to have wet dreams of in their sad lonely lives.

But once again, I was wrong, wrong to assume that everyone treats Facebook status updates as lightly as me, and people who do not know me actually judge me on some words we type onto a social networking website. Frankly speaking, this is the 21^st century, and I am just embracing the technology that comes with it. You and I both know that Facebook is nothing more than an opportunity for one to get some attention, and based on my explicit research, status updates on love and chicks get the most attention. Throw in the fact that I am a new friend to Red Panties and her clique, the result can be somewhat explosive.

I mean, Red Panties is a nice girl and everything, but she is just not worth my friendship with CB. No disrespect, but she is no Megan Fox, not even close. Lately, I started talking to her and like so many girls before, I somehow always manage to discover a tiny flaw in her to like her a little less. I remembered Jackass telling me on the plane (to Bangkok) that the problem was not with the girl, but with my head. If I keep thinking she is not the one, then she never will be, even if she is the one. If Edward keeps pushing Bella away, it is only natural she turns to Jacob, isn’t it?

And just so you know, CB is a really good friend who shares many similar traits with me, but she is like chick with a dick, a little brother I never had, a girl who curses in Hokkien and walks/talks/eats like a man. I have absolutely no interest in her (her boyfriend’s number on my mobile phone is saved as ‘unluckiest guy ever’), and she is just someone I feel real comfortable hanging out with. Then again, like Red Panties, she does not belong in my world. Our only common ground is SIM and come this June, once our examinations are over, our lives will be like two parallel lines, never crossing again.

I am sure when the day comes, I will shed more than just a few tears and no amount of Megan Fox photos would suffice.

I know I promised you nice people an entry a week, but you know, the thing is during the past month, when I had the time to blog, I was not in the mood to, and when I desperately wanted to relate to you the hot passion I felt towards my latest crush, I was occupied with sh*t all day. And it is not like there isn’t anything happening in my life (my Facebook status should be quite informational in that aspect), but I do have to admit my friends have not been confiding in me as much, and I am glad that they have nothing to MSN/Facebook/text me. Well, it means their relationship is going well, they are having great sex and Liverpool is still awaiting their first win in a month. But, on the other hand, it means I have pretty much nothing to b*tch about and to use to reinforce my valuable theories on singlehood and its benefits.

So, surprise, surprise, I have a new crush, also known as Red Panties. Okay, it is not exactly as kinky as the name suggests, but it runs pretty close. Typical girl (read: long hair, long legs) I have been spending a lot of time with in the library, and as the Chinese saying goes, “day long grow feeling”, or something to the effect. Thing is, she is attached to some rich son of a b*tch, but apparently, despite her status, she has been eyeball-f*cking me pretty much every day we meet. She sat across me this one time while we were studying, and she started playing with her hair, and I am like, this chick wants to play, and being the gentleman that I am, I can only return the favour.

To be perfectly honest, I know more about the American healthcare system than her character, but only because most of the time we are in the library (never a good place to get to know someone better), plus she is the quiet type who prefers to let her eyes do the f*cking talking. Nevertheless, I will keep you guys updated about Red Panties, because she is a truly rare specimen- most of the time, I tempt girls, girls do not tempt me. I am the master of mind-f*ck.

Okay, back to more mundane sh*t about my life, I caught Paranormal Activity with CB (the piece between Red Panties and I), and then I went home and tried to re-enact a couple of scenes in my sister’s bedroom and frankly, dad was not the least bit amused. Speaking of CB, I have been studying with her literally every day, and she is like my new best friend in school now that Shrek has found a full-time job and is hardly ever around when I need him. A new friend, a new opportunity to share our respective life experiences, and of course along the way I discover new things about myself.

I am only single because I cannot bear to have my heart broken again I know I have no time for love. Like I have said so many times before, we Aquarians, when we do sh*t, we only want to do it giving our best. Right now, I know I cannot manage having another person in my life, so why attempt to fit Robbie Keane into Liverpool starting XI? The right girl is one thing, the right timing is another. I have been asked a million times what exactly is my type of girl (besides the obvious long hair and long legs), but the fact is, I can only give an answer when I have met her.

I have considered the possibility that I will never find her my entire life, and in all probability, when the time comes to settle down and have a family, I will have to settle for someone I love, but not the one. But this is life, isn’t it? How many of you who are in a relationship or marriage and can honestly put your hand up and say, yes, he/she is the one and only one I want to spend the rest of my life with? If everyone feels that same way towards their other halves, then Monica Lewinsky and Red Panties would not have existed, would they?

All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players.

Remember, remember, the Fifth of November, the Gunpowder Treason and Plot.

I know of no reason why the Gunpowder Treason should ever be forgot.